


I Can’t, I Can’t (Stand Losing You)

by Scho_s



Series: Who You Gonna Call? [1]
Category: Ghostbusters (1984-1989; 2020)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Didn't know how else to tag it, Egon is an amazing friend, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Peter is a bit egocentric but we love him anyway, There's not really any violence but it can be a heavy theme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-22
Updated: 2021-02-22
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:46:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29635527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scho_s/pseuds/Scho_s
Summary: Egon's burnt out and overworked. Peter helps him through it.
Series: Who You Gonna Call? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2177511
Kudos: 3





	I Can’t, I Can’t (Stand Losing You)

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to my newest hyperfixation!  
> This work takes place after the first movie and before the second one. 
> 
> English is not my first language. Apologies for any mistakes in language or movie lore. Feel free to correct.   
> Hope you enjoy!

23 NOVEMBER 1985

It was an quiet day at the firehouse. They’d only had one scheduled bust, and a fairly unchallenging one at that, just a Class 2 wanting to scare the poor people living in the house. As soon as they were back, Peter had been left to clean their packs, complaining the entire time even though it was his turn to do so, while Winston and Ray helped themselves to the now cold pizza from yesterday evening. Egon, as always, had scurried off into his lab. He was working on something, he’d said, but he didn’t want them to know what.

Peter, always his curious self, had attempted to sneak a peek in the lab, but that had only led to an irritated Egon closing off every gap that could be seen through. He had also tried to pry any information out of his best friend, but naturally that led to nowhere, as Egon seemed intent on not letting anything slip.

So Peter could do nothing but wait. His birthday was coming up, and he vaguely suspected – _hoped_ – that Egon was working on a present for him. Because that’s how Dr. _Stoic_ Spengler worked. He might not be able to show love and appreciation through words, but he sure did so through his actions. Peter had a sweet smile on his face as he recalled things he’d gotten from Egon, just because the physicist _wanted_ to give him something. A printed photo of the two of them from years ago, back in college, embracing each other with one arm as they smiled for the camera, Peter with a wide grin and Egon with his lopsided smile. Egon had found it somewhere between his college textbooks while he was looking for something, he’d said. Peter had protectively put the small photograph in his wallet, an appreciative smile forming on his face each time he looked at the print. Or that time when Egon had bought a small pencil case for him, with a dog on it. Simply because he knew that Peter loved dogs.

The 25th of October was coming up and Peter was brimming with excitement. He loved the attention he got, he loved receiving gifts from others, so naturally he loved it when it was his birthday. Ray’s birthday had been nearly two weeks ago, and the little birthday party they’d hosted had been tons of fun. Dana, Louis and Janine had been present, together with the four of them. Peter and Winston had put their money together to buy Ray a few of those Comic books he really liked, while Egon had wanted to work on his own present for Ray.

And what a present it had been. Spengler had created a miniature version of each one of them from scratch, including the Ecto I. The tiny figurines even had some moveable parts. The Ecto had flashing lights and the doors could open, while Ray’s miniature version could raise its arms in the air. How Egon had managed to get an actuator inside of the small models, no one knows, but Ray had been playing with them for days now. And everyone saw how delighted Egon was that his present was well received, even though he tried not to let it show.

-

The rest of the evening passed slowly, no more emergency calls came in, and for once, Peter was happy about that. Normally he liked going on busts, but last week had been especially complicated, as they’d suddenly had an old God on their asses. It had made him realise just how dangerous their job was. One of them could be killed in an instant, and he wasn’t sure what they were going to do then. He didn’t really want to think about it. Luckily, nothing of the sort had happened then - _not yet_ , a voice within him whispered - and he was glad that it hadn’t.

It was late at night when Peter decided to follow Ray and Winston into bed. He yawned, passing by the lab to check on Egon. He’d already changed into his sleepwear and brushed his teeth, but couldn’t quite fall asleep, not without knowing for sure that his friend was alright. Venkman approached the lab door, hearing no sounds, and wasn’t sure if that was supposed to be a good thing or not. He knocked three times, and, when no answer came, slowly opened the door himself.

Spengler appeared to have fallen asleep at his desk, surrounded by several tools and materials. His head was resting on his arms, face hidden. Egon’s naturally curled hair was dishevelled and his white lab coat was discarded on the floor, forgotten. Something slimy bubbled in an Erlenmeyer flask next to him. Nothing stood out to Peter that could serve as a present for him, but then again, Egon was great at hiding things.

“Spengs,” Peter whispered as he gently attempted to shake his friend awake. “Spengler!”

Said man groaned as he slowly came back to the waking world. “Peter?” He asked, slightly disoriented. He rubbed his eyes, removing his glasses to clean them before pushing them back on his nose, as Peter explained.

“Looks like you fell asleep on the job, pal.” He joked. “Come on, let’s go to bed. You’re exhausted.”

Egon shook his head, picking up a screwdriver, even though he’s temporarily lost what he wanted to do with it. “It’s fine, I just need to finish-“

“Nuh uh,” Peter retaliated. “Play time’s over, big guy. You can finish that tomorrow.” He grabbed Spengler’s arm and started dragging him towards their bedroom. Egon let him do so with minimal struggle, which said lots about his mental state. Ray and Winston were already sound asleep.

Peter devoted himself to keep an eye on his best friend to make sure he didn’t tiptoe back up to the lab, and only allowed himself to fall asleep as soon as Egon’s breaths evened out and soft snores met the chilly November bedroom air.

-

By the time the morning sun shone through the window into the ‘Busters bedroom, stirring Peter from his sleep, Egon had already woken up and was busy tinkering away in his lab. The other two were also out of bed and Peter felt a pang of hurt that they hadn’t woken him up too. He trudged to the bathroom to get changed and ready for the day and afterwards shuffled into the kitchen, yawning loudly.

“Morning, Venkman!” Ray greeted him enthusiastically. “Want anything? I’m cooking eggs!”

“Mornin’,” Peter greeted back. He nodded to Winston who was hungrily eyeing the nearly-done eggs. “But no thanks, Ray. I’m not really feeling eggs today.”

“Your loss.” Ray replied, but no ill intent coloured his words. “Yours is done, Z!”

-

The day again, like yesterday, passed relatively easily. They had no busts scheduled and none had come in either. _The ghosts must be on vacation_ , Ray had joked. Peter agreed. It hadn’t been this calm since they first started their business. Egon never showed his face, either. The occasional clatter of something falling on the ground could be heard but other than that it seemed quiet up in the lab. Ray had taken to reading the Comic books he’d gotten, now that he could, as Winston and Peter chatted. Even Janine had taken today off due to the undisturbed day.

Another hour passed when their peace and quiet was very abruptly cut short by a loud bang preceding a scream that chilled them to the bone, coming from the lab.

Everybody immediately dropped what they were doing as they rushed to Egon.

Peter got there first, pushing the door open and making it smash on the wall next to it. The lab was still like he had last seen it, except for the mangled proton pack on the floor next to Egon. At least, Peter suspected it was a proton pack. It looked like one, but appeared smaller. A red coloured tube had rolled a few feet away from it, presumably it had gotten knocked off by its fall.

Peter ignored the pack for now, as he raced to kneel by his friend’s side. Egon was sitting on the lab floor, sobbing relentlessly, pitiful sounds wracking through his frail body and shaking him to the core. Peter pulled him in a tight hug, shushing him. “Are you hurt?” He asked, but got no response other than sobs increasing in volume.

Ray and Winston looked at each other, worry clear in their eyes, yet silently decided that it was best to let the two of them be. Peter knew Egon the best, he’d fix this. He _had_ to. Because neither of them had seen the normally so stoic scientist this way, and it truly frightened them.

“What’s wrong, Egie?” Peter pressed. Something serious must have happened for him to break down like this. The only other time that he’d ever seen Egon like this, had been _that_ day. Egon had been on the brink of a suicide attempt, back in college, and Peter had promised them both that he would do everything he could to prevent that from happening again.

Egon shook his head sharply, hands finding comfort in Peter’s hoodie and clinging on tightly.

“It’s alright”, Peter shushed him, voice unusually quiet and gentle. His right hand combed through Egon’s brown curls. “It’s okay.”

“I can’t..” Egon whimpered in between sobs. He sucked in a deep breath, curling up a little more against Peter. “I can’t do it.”

“Can’t do what?” He urged, eager to know what was bothering his friend this much, perhaps he could help. His other hand moved down to Egon’s shoulder, rubbing in circular motion to help relax.

“It was s-supposed to be perfect!” In a surge of anger he released Peter’s sweater and banged his fist against his temple instead.

“Hey, hey!” Peter grabbed Egon’s slender wrist, dragging it away from his head. “Don’t do that, you’ll damage your genius brain.” He joked, smiling sadly at his broken friend. His hand let go of the wrist, sliding down to hold Egon’s hand instead. It felt warm and clammy, but Peter didn’t mind, squeezing it tenderly.

Egon doesn’t reply, though he did return a timid squeeze. Peter allowed the silence to sit between them. It gave them both the time needed to think. Egon’s sniffles while he attempted to calm down were the only sound filling the room as he clung to his friend desperately.

“Now, you want to tell Uncle Peter what’s wrong?” He tried again after a while, taking a different approach this time. His eyes searched for contact, which Egon stubbornly denied. His thumb rubbed the skin of Egon’s hand in a soothing motion.

Egon nudged the downed pack with his foot instead, sniffing. “It had- had to be perfect.” He gave the thing a frustrated kick, the pack sliding on the cold tiles. “But I can’t do it.”

“And what _were_ you trying to do?” Peter asked, keeping any accusation out of his voice. “What were you making?”

“It’s for you,” Egon answered instead as he looked his friend in the eyes since the first time since his breakdown. His blue orbs held infinite sadness within them, and Peter’s heart couldn’t help but break at the sight. “It was supposed to be your-“ Egon succumbed to another round of heartwrenching sobs. “Your b-birthday present”, he choked out. He was way too emotional to be using pompous words at the moment.

“Oh, Egie.” Peter leaned forward even more, pressing Egon’s shaking body firmly against his, feeling him relax in the embrace. ”It’s okay,” he whispered as he pressed a sweet kiss to the physicist’s temple. Egon didn’t react. “You tried, and I see the work you put in. I really appreciate that.” _Validate,_ a voice within him said. _Make the person feel validated. How they feel, why they feel._ Peter recalled the passage from his Psychology textbook.

“And I failed.” Egon sniffed. “And now I don’t have anything to give you.”

“Maybe Ray can take a look at it, if you want? Perhaps he can help you with whatever you’re struggling with.” His hands gently cradled Egon’s cheeks, thumbs wiping the falling tears away. “But dear,” he almost surprised himself with the sweetness of his tone, normally only reserved for women. “Giving is not always materialistic. In fact, most things we give to others are not perceptible.”

“Okay, Dr. Venkman, PhD in Psychology”, Egon managed to joke with a shaky smile, still avoiding eye contact as his cheeks burned.

Peter’s heart fluttered. Egon had smiled, and that was a good thing. He was getting through this.

“But seriously, Egon, the friendship I get from you is everything I need. I really do appreciate you for _you_. Not for any cool presents you might happen to give me.”

Egon nodded but didn’t seem entirely convinced yet.

“Do you want some tea? I’ll get you a cup of tea,” Peter said. “Then we’ll talk about this.” Without waiting for an answer he stood up and yelled at Ray to get them both a cup; silence between them as they waited.

Ray came in a few moments later, patting Egon on the back as he handed him his tea. “I’m here for you, pal.” He said with a genuine smile.

Egon nodded appreciatively in thanks and Ray left once again. 

“So,” Peter started. “Do you want to talk about what just happened?”

Egon wiped his tear-stricken face with his free hand, then blinked. Once, twice. He hadn’t expected the question, stupidly. Of course Peter would want to know what just transpired. “No.” He said truthfully. “But I assume you’re not letting me go without talking about it, Venkman.”

“Exactly.” Peter grinned. He was glad that Spengler had at least calmed down enough by now. “So, I assume you were making something? And it wasn’t going according to plan?”

Egon nodded, the corner of his lips dropping downwards. “I was-“ He inhaled sharply. “I was working on your birthday present.”

“What was it, if I may know?” He couldn’t restrain his curiosity. Peter supposed it had something to do with the now destroyed proton pack on the ground. He took a sip from his tea as he wanted for an answer.

“Well… I was modifying a proton pack for you.” He nudged a dislodged part of it with his foot. “I wanted to install something that could refrain you from getting slimed, because I know you hate that.”

Peter’s eyes softened. “Egie, I-“

Egon raised a hand to shut him up. He stared down into his still full mug as he continued. “I tried a number of different ways, but- but nothing worked. I suppose it just might not be possible.” He looked Peter in the eyes before turning away just as quickly. “And- and now your birthday is coming up, and I don’t have anything to give you.”

“Finished?” He asked, not wanting to cut Egon off. Egon nodded. “Okay. As I said before, I don’t _need_ a present to appreciate you as a friend, Spengs.” He grabbed his friend’s hand with his own free one, leaning forward a bit. “I love you regardless. If you’re still worried about that however, check in with Ray and Winston, they might be planning something, I’ve got no idea.”

Egon nodded again, his eyes lit up and Peter knew that he’s just gotten a great idea.

“And at least now I know why you were often drenched in slime these past days, even though we didn’t have any busts.” He recalled, and Spengler blushed slightly. “But next time, please don’t resort to breaking stuff, please?” Egon let a shy smile break through. “Just come talk to us, you know you can.”

“Yes.” Egon mumbled. He set his tea mug aside, and before Peter could ask what he was doing, Egon pulled him into a tight hug.

“Oh, uh-“ Peter stammered, awkwardly patting his friend on the back. He wasn’t used to so much displayed affection from Spengler. He felt his cheeks heat up as he sensed a pair of lips brush over the crook of his neck.

“Thank you, Pete.” Egon whispered. He gave a last tight squeeze before he let go. “I fear to think what might have happened, had you not intervened. I do appreciate you.”

Peter shuddered as he remembered what had happened all those years ago, back in college, when Egon had gotten so overwhelmed by everything he was planning to end it all. “Me too, buddy, me too.” His eyes filled with tears and he quickly blinked them away, he couldn’t show emotion now, not when he was supposed to be strong for Egon.

“Now!” He exclaimed after he finished the last of his tea. “Ready to face the day?”

Egon took his outstretched hand, standing up with a groan. He might be getting too old for pity parties on the cold, hard floor. “Absolutely.”

Together, still holding each other’s hand, they walked out the lab, letting today’s events behind them.

And if the two of them weren’t out of each other’s sight for more than a minute, no one said anything about it.

**Author's Note:**

> The suicide attempt fic that is referenced to is currently in the making!  
> Hope you enjoyed!  
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated!


End file.
